Wednesday, February 3, 2021

Explosion of Thoughts



Christian music is playing in the background songs with messages of salvation - Jesus, hope, and songs with prayers. I think, now would be a great time for prayer. The other day was Bell let's talk day. A day when people can talk about their mental health issues. Why do they call it that? For most people it is depression. Why are so many people depressed? There are many reasons. Sometimes, it would seem there is no reason at all. or an unbalance of chemicals in the brain?? For me, depression feels like a dormant lump that sits in the pit of my stomach. There are triggers or certain keys that unlock that door awakening the monster of emotions.

Simply, I believe people really do need to talk and not once a year. Even more, is the need for someone to listen and truly care. We live in a time that suppresses free speech. If you do say what you really think, the verbal backlash comes like a pack of starving wolves waiting to devour it's prey. I heard that depression is really bottled up anger suppressed. Bottled up anger from a lifetime of rejection, grief, loss, confinement of some sort, loneliness, hurt, insecurity, emotional or physical abuse. I'm sure the list of reasons go on and on.

We live in a digital age of computer APPs, TO GENERATE A MEANS OF COMMUNICATION. Social media platforms like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and so many others. People don't talk to one another anymore and if they do, they haven't learned the art of listening. What would the answer be if we asked ourselves, 'who did I talk to today person to person?' The answer may be, no one. We live in an age of thumbs up, happy faces, angry faces, rolling eyes and sometimes a little dialogue on messenger. Problem with that is, it is so easy to say things you would not say to a person if they were face-to-face. There is so much room for misinterpretation. Not all dialogue goes in the right direction. These platforms offer little substance of truth. A person may have three hundred Facebook friends and even family members, yet on a day when they are feeling like dying, there is not one of them he/she would reach out to for help or conversation. I wonder why? Perhaps it is fear? Not wanting to bother someone or look weak? Heaven forbid we don't have it all together especially if you claim to be a Christian. or Is it that we don't think anyone cares or would understand? 

It is true that with so many changes going on in the world, there is so much division. It would seem there is either one way or another. It is difficult to find the middle ground. There is little bending of the branches. This is a sad reality of how the sign of the times has changed the true meaning of relationships. I find most people ignore you, snooze you, or even delete you from their Facebook because what you post offends them. They realize by what you post, you really have little in common. Your views are totally opposite. At a click of the button you are erased.

For a virtual computer game that would be normal. The new normal is not normal and the old normal already had many flaws. Behind the click on the keypad is a real person. Someone you may have once shared a wonderful real friendship. Others may be acquaintances, people you may have met in public school but you don't know anything more about them than, that they sat in the desk beside you during history class fifty years ago. One can even scroll through comments and find a new friendship with a complete stranger who thinks just like you do. A soul mate from another dimension? Zoom relationships, face times are now means of trying to regain a connection during these times of lockdowns. For someone like me, there is still something unnatural about it. From beginning of time - to it's end, the human race has needed person - person conversation, not virtual hugs and prayers. People need to feel connected, loved, valued, appreciated and heard. People need purpose. Just that one thumbs up can be enough encouragement to help that person live through another day.

The days of looking in someone's eyes as they tell a story or notice a smile light up a face in response to something silly they said, is fading away like an old black and white movie coming to an end. Up come the credits with a crescendo and the words, 'The End'. We miss out on each other's quirkiness and the essence of real connection easily gets lost in cyberspace along with the translation. In a new era of computer generated relationships. iPhones can take pictures that makes you look like a professional photographer. With a tap of the finger, I can easily photo shop a new face in place of the aging one staring back at me in the mirror each morning. Not that it matters what we look like because everyone has their faces masked now. I often smile at someone in a store, but then realize they can't see my smile. The fake smile hidden behind the mask when you really want to rip it off you face and breathe. Then echoing in in the background noise are the people who just disregard how you might feel and say things, like, "don't be selfish and where the . . . mask."

A year of lockdowns does not help build real relationships. It does the opposite. People scroll through the pages staring at a little black device watching one video after another or reading everyone's comments. Relationships become public entertainment for the world to hear your thoughts. They interpret them however they perceive them. Reply and attack. Everyone has an opinion and the world in all it's craziness leads one to conclude the world will end soon in one way or another. People get drawn in, caught by a collage of thoughts and believe everything they hear on whichever spectrum of the pendulum they lean toward. Other's can't handle the stress of politicized debates between the two. They would be the ones to post a song with a message asking "Where is the love?" Or a funny video or a picture of Buda eating cheese cake. One side thinks they know truth and if you have another view, you are a conspiracy theorist or in a cult. Do those so called conspiracy theories have more truth in them than what is heard on the daily regurgitated news? Some say yes and others laugh and mock.  Just another reason to put you down. Everyday we hear the same Covid -19 numbers, fears, mandates controlling our lives. It is more like counting straws after you drop a box on the floor and count them as you pick them up, day after day for more than 365 days. If you count them enough times, you believe the sky is purple and not blue. Soon it won't matter because they are banning plastic straws so the world can be greener. The world is spinning out of control, drifting into a new galaxy of insanity and who can keep up? So, what day is it anyway, because I don't even know anymore. Every day is the same as the one before. Like a bad rerun. 

Just shoot me. Pass the euthanasia bill again so on a bad day, people can take the easy exit. (Not)  Debbie downer or am I the new Karen who appears to have lost all sight of  any good, overwhelmed by the bad? The joke of the day? I can't find the love or the joy of self. It appears, I only help to fuel the same foreboding emotions to others. In doing so they also only see my lack of empathy, love, joy and the Spirit that once enveloped me. Yes, it is easy to see the change in someone and even easier to add to an already wounded spirit. It is about now I would write a sermon and some scripture to raise others out of this kind of thinking. It is easy to speak the words of all wisdom from the Bible to others. Easy to preach to the congregation. How can I do that unless I preach it to myself first. Seek God on bended knees and cry out to Him for help like I have done so many times in my life. He is the lifeline. NO One else can make a person take hold of that lifeline. It is something we each have to do for ourselves. 

Last Saturday, I laid on the couch with a blanket and all I wanted is for God to take me away. I wanted to die. That is the truth. I have experienced suicides in my family, friends, and neighbors. There have been times, I related a little to the absolute feeling of such darkness. There are actually many reasons. That Saturday, all I wanted was to die as I asked God to take me. Then, one little ding on my iPhone awoke me from my slumber. A message with an attached picture of an adorable smiling face. One of our little blessings, David, our third grandchild. Attached was a message from my daughter with a love icon and an interest in what I was doing? I knew my state of mind was not good. I wasn't going to call her, but I did. I poured out my heart and as I did, it slowly began to melt once again from the ice cold stone it had become.  Days later I know, I don't really want to die. Like many we just want that feeling of sadness to go away.

So, to those who feel insulted by my opposing views. I'm sorry. We all have to care more about what God thinks. What God thinks is more important than what other people think. I'm working on it too. It is my prayer that all who suffer with these same problems - emotionally, physically, will seek God who is truly the only one who can light a fire in us, rekindle an old flame. I pray He does exactly that. Light a fire of love, compassion, empathy, care, understanding and His wisdom. "His" name is Jesus. Our only Savior, healer, redeemer, our righteousness full of Grace and Mercy. He is the God of all understanding and Love. He knows our every thought and burden. He can transform the darkest blot into a wonderful display of light. That is my bell let's talk moment. I have to wonder, how many read to the end? Next year, we will talk again on the next Bell let's talk. I'll email you.

Until then pray for me as we pray for one another. Amen